Stick it to me

Among my swaps at the NY Gift Fair, I mentioned I got an acupuncture treatment. I give this woman all of our New Age books and she'd give me acupuncture. My back has been really bothering me since then, and now I'm afraid this woman used some sort of voodoo on me.

It wasn't your typical acupuncture treatment with needles, she used an electronic acupuncture tool that shot electricity into my "trouble spots" to "open up my vessels". Essentially, I was being electrocuted. When she was applying the tool all over my upper back, I would spontaneously spasm and my arm would move and I'd get goose bumps, then I lost feeling in my hands. They've been a little tingly ever since.

While giving me the treatment, she said I had a lot of tension in my shoulders. I explained it was probably because the night before I had carried four laptops over five avenues from the Javits Center to my office. Now, since getting the treatment I keep getting a sharp pain in my right shoulder blade.

This isn't the first time I've experienced adverse effects post-acupuncture. Last summer, I tried it because my doctor - whose waiting room has a serenity waterfall - suggested it. She said it wouldn't hurt (it did) and it would alleviate my stress (it didn't). I was in her office because a few weeks prior I had fainted on a subway platform at Astor Place. I was taken to the hospital and they recorded an irregular heartbeat. Apparently, my irregular heartbeat is likely to be activated by stress, which at the time I had plenty of: the same weekend my boyfriend of five years was moving out of our apartment, my grandfather died.

When she put a few needles in my ears, I was immediately uncomfortable and lost sensation in my hands. Then, she put a needle in my calf and I instantly burst into tears. I wasn't in physical pain, but she hit something that all I could do was cry. Buried emotions? Hitting a nerve? I have no idea, but I immediately asked her to turn off the Pure Moods CD and let me go home with a prescription for Prozac.

If I have to find a silver lining in all of this, it's that now my back feels extra sensitive. So sensitive, I finally have found that stray hair that I know has been growing on my back that I couldn't feel until now. I have one over-active hair follicle and my ex-boyfriend used to groom me and it hadn't been found since we broke up. So, you can imagine my excitement of extracting a two-inch hair from my back while in the car today.

Shake Shack

I'm a-scared to go home Thursday.

Los Angeles just had a 5.4 earthquake and I HATE earthquakes. I was in the Northridge Earthquake in 1994 and was traumatized for months afterward. You know when someone freaks out and all you want to do is slap them and scream, "Get a hold of yourself"? I was the one who needed the beating and my mother was the punisher. I wanted to sleep in the living room with my whole family afterwards, my leg would twitch outside of my control and eventually we ended up moving away from Southern California (only to return two years later).

The strange thing was, the night before the quake I had one of the greatest nights of my then 11-year-old life. It was a three-day weekend so I was sleeping over at my neighbor and closest friend's house. We stayed up really late choreographing and filming a dance to Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams and Sting's "All for Love" from the "Three Musketeers" and then we watched movies (most likely our favorites, The Burbs and Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and ate junk food. I performed Rod Stewart's part, by the way.

At 4:31 a.m. I was woken up by the sound of a loud bang, the ground shaking violently and the windows rattling. Shortly thereafter, my friend and I were being pelted by books flying off the shelves in their living room. After it was over, I remember screaming my friend's mother's name over and over again in total agony. Thankfully, my house was just down the street and my family came to get me (and slap me). We slept in our Aerostart that night, right after I peed all over myself that is. For a few days we survived on a strict diet of Pop Tarts and Sunny Delight while sitting outside and riding the aftershocks.

The last time I felt an earthquake was in 2003 when I was home for Christmas, and that was enough to stop my heart. I just really hope when I'm home (planning on having a few more 'greatest nights ever' hopefully involving Rod Stewart) there will be no earthquakes to speak of.

Cold Case Files: Ladies Room

Today I had one of the most disturbing experiences of my life at work. It wasn't wasn't with my job performance, it wasn't with technology, but it was with a co-worker. Well, indirectly.

Usually while I'm working I try to drink as much water as humanly possible as a reason to keep getting up from my desk: 1) to get more water 2) to make pee. Today after many glasses of water I walked into the bathroom and saw it.

The stall all the way over the right, MY STALL, looked like a crime scene. Someone had taken off their womanly NEEDS and left it on the floor of the stall - MY STALL - and somehow on part of the wall. I was so grossed out and now I can't return to that stall ever again. Maybe not even that bathroom.

Mama Bear

I talked to my mother last night who is in rehab. Not that kind of rehab, but physical therapy rehab. She's trying to learn how to walk again, she's learning how to dress herself again. I feel completely helpless in this situation because these are all things she taught me how to do and now I can't repay the favor because I'm out in New York getting into bar fights and walking on beaches.

This is a woman who has so selflessly taken care of everyone else around her and now her biggest fear is people abandoning her when she needs someone to return the favor. Speaking to her is so heartbreaking because she is very confused and groggy and her vocal chords may have been damaged through all of this. She doesn't even sound like my mother anymore.

Thankfully, she has not lost her sense of humor, and from what I hear, her craftyness. For Father's Day she made my dad a card from her lunch tray placemat, some crayons and some Littlest Pet Shop stickers she had.

Here is some vintage artwork I have hanging in my office:

In case you're a Philistine and need a little help, it's her hand (disguised as a turkey) wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving.