Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Waiter, There's a Baby Leg on My Beach

I went down to Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. for a few days for a work conference; it was so nice to be outside without a jacket and scarf for a few days.
A colleague and I went for a walk on the beach together, with the warm water splashing over our toes. We had to weave in and out of piles of jellyfish that were brightest blue I'd see outside of a box of crayons. Then, we had to avoid another hazard, a baby leg:

Friday, March 20, 2009

As The Driven Snow

Last night I found out I'm 85 percent pure.
I went to a book release party with my friend Anne for this title, The Purity Test. Everyone who participated received an answer sheet with spaces to check "yes" or "no" for forty questions.
Every ten questions we answered we were asked to tally our percentage of purity. For questions 1-10: 70 percent pure; questions 11-20: 90 percent; 21-30: 90 percent; 31-40: 90 percent.
What is my reward for "saying no" all those years to snorting cocaine off a stripper's rear end, not having my first kiss until I was 17 years old (seriously) and being the purest girl at the bar?
Hello Kitty stickers and bright pink cocktail napkins with a quote from Grey's Anatomy. Because, after all, "We're adults ... when did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Day in the Life of my Finances

Me: Hi, I haven't received my 1099 tax form from the bank yet. I thought those were being mailed out a few weeks ago and I'd like to start my taxes.
Customer Service Representative from my bank: Sure, let me just check your account.
Me: ...
CS Rep: Hmm.
Me: ...
CS Rep: That's strange.
Me: You're making me a little nervous.
CS Rep: Well, it seems there wasn't much activity in your account in 2008. We typically don't send 1099 forms out if there isn't much activity and/or there is less than $10 in savings.
Me (being judged by customer service representative): Oh, I see.
CS Rep (smugly): Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: You know, I did just put a few thousand in there.
CS Rep: Mmm ...
Me: Bitch.
CS Rep: What was that?
Me: Nothing, have a great day!