Anticlimactic Car Accident Post

This weekend I went to Newburyport, Mass. where my aunt, uncle and grammie live. If you live in the Northeast you know how beautiful the weather was this weekend; if you don’t live in the Northeast, well, the weather was beautiful.
On Saturday, my aunt, brother, grammie and I went to Salisbury Beach to sit outside for a little while and bask in the sun and watch boats putter about where the Merrimack River meets the Atlantic Ocean. On the drive back from the beach to my aunt and uncle’s house, we were rear-ended pretty hard. My grandmother was wearing a pink Boston Red Sox hat that flew off her head and I screamed loudly because I do not deal well with surprises – like, not even a little bit. I’ve had freak-outs so bad that I’ve needed to be slapped.
Thankfully, we were only going about 15 miles per hour, at most, and everyone is ok for the most part. The girl who hit us accidentally accelerated when she was trying to break in order to tend to her toddler son in the backseat. That was her first mistake. Her second was not driving with a license. Her third was not having up-to-date insurance, and her last mistake was being British (U-S-A! U-S-A!).
We called the cops to make it all official, and really, there’s not much to this story except I definitely have a sore neck and was a little shaken up. So, feel sorry for me, ok?

Can't Spell Panic Without an "Eye"

Sometimes I wear glasses, but most of the time I walk around semi-blind because I refuse to wear contacts. The idea of sticking my fingers in and around my eyes completely disgusts me. I’ve never tried before, but the other day I got a glimpse of what it would be like.
You know when you buy new clothes/accessories, one of the first things you do is remove the price tag? Well, there are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t, and those who rip price tags off and those who use scissors. I’m the latter and the former.
I bought a hair clip from H&M and was fixing to put my hair up and just ripped the tag. Something malfunctioned and a tiny piece of plastic flew right into my left eye. I screamed – a lot – and looked in the mirror trying to find the piece of plastic. It was stuck UNDER my eye lid. I could SEE it under my eyelid when it was closed. Continuing to scream and say “Oh no” over and over again with visions of eye patches and parrots on my shoulder running through my head, I had to dig around my eye and find the piece of plastic. This struggle lasted at least two minutes, but felt like 30 hours. Both my eyes were revolting, tearing, stinging and I finally found the plastic and vowed never to have contacts because I’m sure the experience is exactly the same thing.

From the Embarassment Files: Item #876

I'm finally ready to talk about it.
The flight back from Florida's work trip was uneventful. I had some light conversation about the book I'm reading, did some work and Su Doku puzzles from my complimentary USA Today the hotel left me. While the flight was uneventful, walking from the gate to the baggage claim certainly was not.
You know when people get into car accidents and sometimes a passenger who is asleep in the back is the least injured because their body just goes limp? Well, I was so exhausted after busy days filled with IMPORTANT meetings and late nights getting nutty in the "hospitality suite" with co-workers that as I was walking with my boss from the plane - probably gesticulating wildly about something - I completely barreled into this guy who was standing in the middle of the walkway typing away on his Blackberry.
He came out of nowhere, I swear.
I couldn’t stop my body so I just sort of melted into his suitcase and fell; I was splayed across the walkway at LaGuardia Airport. Of course my boss and I were laughing so hard that I could barely stand; I didn’t hurt myself (or so I thought), but all I could do was tell the guy I was sorry for beating up his suitcase. I’m such an embarrassment when I’m tired.
Of course, when we were back in the office my boss thought it would be funny to tell co-workers about my fall, so I spent a few days recreating the event and laughing over the tears. I'm not sure if it was the original fall or one of my many "dramatizations" about the fall, but my left hand's thumb has been killing me.

This is the story of my red, right ankle.

I've re-injured my ankle.
Last time I hurt it, I was doing laundry, fell down (three) stairs and launched into a major panic attack that I was going to die alone at the bottom of the stairs. This time, I hurt it by exhibiting behavior in preparation for dying alone: I was desperately trying to get my cat to pay attention to me.
I got home to California on Wednesday and was alone in my parents' apartment for a few days. My mom and sister were in Colorado, my brother hadn't made it to the West Coast yet, and my dad was working during the day.
So, while catching up on my Maury one morning, I leaned forward on the bed and tried to reach the family cat, Jelly Bean (note: I did NOT name her). As I was commanding the feline to "look over here" and "why don't you love me? I feed you!" I leaned back on my legs and all my weight hit my right ankle strangely and I heard that familiar pop I heard last time.
Many hours later, when my mom and sister came home, I started to whine that my foot hurt - but mostly to get that attention my jerk of a cat was denying me earlier. My mom and sister told me I had a contusion; I trust their knowledge as they are an on-disability nurse and a frequent patient, respectively.
My mom wrapped me up, iced me down and smoothed my hair. Despite asking for an amputation last night, I think I'm going to live ... and not die alone.

Sore Loser

I hate pilates.
In my new strides toward a fitter me, I took a pilates class last night with a friend of mine and it was terrible. I've done four mile races, Turkey Trotted my way through a local park in the rain, I've moved entire apartments by myself and endured the harsh winters of the east coast after spending most of my childhood in the California sun, but my god - ask me to hold one position with my legs and arms in the air for more than 10 seconds and I want to scream bloody murder.
Going into the class, I figured it'd be easy enough. I'd just work on my core, improve - ok, get - some balance and roll around on the mat for an hour. It was my first studio class after a two year absence. I stopped going to anything yoga or mat-related after an unfortunate farting incident at my old gym. "It happens!" is the response I always get, but you try living on a high-fiber diet and doing the downward dog position and not letting something escape. The knowing look from the instructor was enough to keep me away.
So last night, even as my friend and I were leaving the class, we could tell today was going to be rough. I'm sore in places I didn't even know you could be, like on my lower back where I should have gotten a tattoo during Spring Break '04 in Cancun (although, that could be sympathy sore for all the tramp stamps girls are rockin' at my gym). It hurts when I burp, and I can't find a comfortable sitting position right now. I know being sore means "it's working" but I think I'll just go back to running for now.

Laundro-loathe

I hate doing laundry. And, now, even my mom hates when I do laundry.

Last year, after letting my laundry pile grow for a month I waited until the last possible day before I had to do it: the day I ran out of underpants. I changed out of my work clothes - sans underpants - laced up my shoes and headed down the steep steps of my apartment building and the rickety steps out the back of the building with a bag that must have weighed at least 50 pounds.

I had three more small steps to conquer before I could get into the communal laundry room. I'm not sure what happened but I fell and heard my ankle pop. I was still hugging my laundry bag and sprawled out over the cold, dirty concrete crying. Instead of surveying the situation, I just continued crying and having a panic attack. I thought I was going to die alone and no one was going to find me. No one in my building would come looking for me and they'd find me days later, tears frozen to my face and not wearing any underpants beneath my jeans (I don't recommend this).

After a few minutes, I realized I wasn't going to die, my ankle wasn't very swollen and I wasn't even bleeding. I crawled into my laundry room and put the clothes in the wash. After all, I didn't have any underpants. I hobbled back up to my apartment and rolled up my pant leg to reveal this:

I called a friend of mine in the neighborhood who was nice enough to take me to the hospital. I was so embarrassed because I've always been told to wear clean underpants in case I have to go to the hospital (among other reasons). And, I was really messing up that life lesson. I got an X-ray and the doctor told me it was broken. The next day my brother was nice enough to drive from Philadelphia to take me to get it casted. After another X-ray, it turns out it wasn't broken.

But, now there is nothing I dread more than doing laundry. I get a knot in my stomach; I'll delay it any way possible. I've worn bathing suit bottoms instead of underpants to delay it one more day. I've purchased new underpants. I had to do laundry today, and I survived. My mom called me to let me know she was thinking of me and to remind me to take my time going down stairs and remain calm. It looks like I'll be safe for one more month.

Just a little dab!

I came home last night to discover my box of Proactiv products had arrived. So excited to have skin as nice as Jessica Simpson and Puff Daddy, I opened it immediately and went to work.
Over the last few years I've started getting more and more pimples that I never had in high school. Maybe it's from stress or New York's nasty air, but it was time to take action.
I used all three steps and my skin immediately started burning like crazy; it felt like that scene in Indiana Jones and Last Crusade when that Nazi melts after he "chose poorly".
My Friday night went from the hope and excitement of glamorous, beautiful skin to laying in my jammies in an air-conditioned bedroom whining to myself with a cold washcloth on my face listening to the Muppets Take Manhattan.