Is This An Audience or An Oil Painting?

Sometime in the absolutely drunken haze of Saturday, I agreed to something completely stupid. Surprising, right? Four of my friends were sitting on the edge of a planter in the backyard of Pete's Candy Store in Williamsburg, and I was standing in front of them and made the comment that I felt like a (bad) stand-up comedian. So, I start telling the four jokes I know - all of which I didn't write - but have been in my rotation since fourth grade.
Well, the details are fuzzy (again: surprising, right?), but within minutes a friend had his fancy phone out looking for open mic nights in the area in the next two weeks. I agreed to do stand-up because "it has to be SO easy." Crap.
So, instead of having a relaxing few weeks left in New York, I have to write a stand-up routine because a promise is a promise. There will be NO VIDEO of this, but I'm imagining it will go something like this:

A Day in the Life of my Finances

Me: Hi, I haven't received my 1099 tax form from the bank yet. I thought those were being mailed out a few weeks ago and I'd like to start my taxes.
Customer Service Representative from my bank: Sure, let me just check your account.
Me: ...
CS Rep: Hmm.
Me: ...
CS Rep: That's strange.
Me: You're making me a little nervous.
CS Rep: Well, it seems there wasn't much activity in your account in 2008. We typically don't send 1099 forms out if there isn't much activity and/or there is less than $10 in savings.
Me (being judged by customer service representative): Oh, I see.
CS Rep (smugly): Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: You know, I did just put a few thousand in there.
CS Rep: Mmm ...
Me: Bitch.
CS Rep: What was that?
Me: Nothing, have a great day!

Judgment Day

Terminator 2 is one of my favorite movies. So you can imagine my excitement for Terminator 4: Salvation, starring my favorite actor Christian Bale. I just saw the teaser trailer the other day. And, I was so sad to read that today he turned himself into police for domestic disturbance. I, like many abused women, started to make excuses for him: he's probably stressed, everyone has a crazy family, maybe he's on steroids for Batman and the Terminator, he's a method actor leave him alone, he played one of the greatest characters ever, Patrick Bateman - that's hard to shake! Maybe a German Shepherd started barking at his mother and he thought she's the T-1,000.

I don't know.

But, I do know that the idea of machines coming to life and killing the human race is frightening to me, but feels very real. In fact, pets are very sensitive to technology; dogs are the ones to recognize the first terminator. This weekend at home my family cat, Jelly Bean aka "Catty", ran from her electronic litter box that my mom gave my dad for Christmas this year (?):



I have my own version of an electronic litterbox that I hate and run from. It's the grossest invention out there. I doubt boys even know of their existence, and I doubt even higher that this is FRESH plastic being circulated on the seat. Here it is at the Chicago O'Hare airport:


We've already survived August 29, 1997. I just hope Bale survives July 22, 2008.